People you meet in law school #1: The Coward

Now wait, I don't want you to get the wrong idea. The concept of "People you meet in Law School" comes directly from a website. barelylegalblog.blogspot.com to be precise. You see what I did there. I found something creative, and I liked it, and I wanted to use it in my writing, or to make a point, and I credited the creators.

This is not something "The Coward" is capable of. Its a coincidence perhaps, that The Coward got his material off the same website that I did.

Anyone remember the delightfully creative, witty, and rude "Hypo-Man" letter we all received last semester? It was one of those things that left you saying "Well, whomever wrote this and didn't sign this is a coward, and an asshole, but at least they are creative, 'cause this language is fantastic." Well, it turns out that he was in fact only an asshole and a coward.

Good start to law school for someone, call out a peer, do so anonymously so as to protect your pretty hair, and show yourself to be a plagiarist by claiming someone else's intellectual property. This guy is on a fast track to success. I think he'd be good at the "Wizard of Oz" job. Where he can hide behind a curtain and dictate from a high-throne of anonymity.

We're off to see the Wizard, the Wonderful Wizard of Oz...Maybe this wizard could give HIMSELF some courage.

Russ & Mike (of barelylegalblog.blogspot.com) are hilarious. They wrote a series about the people you meet in law school. #1 Desperate Girl, #6 the Feminist, #3 The philosopher, #4 the fratboy, etc. #2 the old guy. Its very funny, and I recommend you take the time to read them. Can you pick the old guy out of our class? What about the desperate girl? I am not going to name names here. There is also a good bit about which is better Law School v. Med School, Law School v. High School, and Law School v. Barber School. We didn't fare well...

Hey Coward, watch this...this is courage...

--JONATHAN

Stay Tuned...

Karaoke and the Headache from Hell

Mr. Miyagi sing's "Ice Ice Baby"

Karaoke was an awful idea. I don't mean to say that it was a bad idea to go to the karaoke bar (though it probably was), I mean that whomever first said "Hey, what if I got the words to all these songs, and while people were drinking, and trying to enjoy the company of their friends, we could let people butcher the art that these musicians have created for us," should be shot. If they are already dead, perhaps they should pulled from their grave and killed again. It sounds harsh, I know, but come on, Karaoke?

The again, someone did think it was a good idea to squeeze the nipple of a cow and taste what came out, so, I guess you just thank the man for is innovation and walk away cursing under your breath.

Thank you Mr. Karaoke inventor, as a direct consequence of your brilliance, we got to hear a stirring rendition of "Baby Got Back" sung by two white-girls, a breathtaking version of "Dixieland Delight" (twice) sung by what appeared to be a mechanic (at least his name was on his shirt), and most impressively, I got to witness a painful cover of "Folsom Prison" sung by a guy we all know and love, "some drunk fratboy" who will be appearing at a bar near you every Thursday, Friday, and Saturday until 2:40am! Don't forget to tip your bartenders, they are working hard for you tonight.

"Well I shot a man in Knoxville, just to watch him die..." and because he was destroying a song I had come to know and love...

If it weren't for Greg Fuller, I wouldn't have survived. Greg is one of those people that makes you wonder if maybe Mr. Karaoke inventor only hung out with people who can actually sing. If Mr. Karaoke inventor knew Greg, and created Karaoke with Greg in mind, I'd still shoot him, but if he were already dead, I'd leave him be. Greg, Kurt, and Lance-One treated the group to Bohemian Rhapsody, and Sweet Caroline. Both were outstanding. Both left the crowd begging for more. Both made the next off-key asshole even harder to handle.

Thanks for the memories Mr. Karaoke!

Happy Birthday Holly and Dub' Mo!

Stay Tuned...

This is my BOOM stick...

AR-15...9mm Browning...Oh my!

That's right, your favorite gun advocate and mine...Me...Shot some serious guns yesterday...

The only shooting I've done in my life (though many times) was with a bolt-action .22 caliber long rifle, and 12 or 20 gauge shotgun. Shooting semi-automatic assault rifles was an eye opening experience. And not just because of the guns.

When you go to a place that people shoot guns, like a place designed specifically for shooting, you will always meet someone you don't want owning a gun (or 10). My guy was named Robert. He was a "safety" meaning he was a gun club member, who volunteered to staff the range and make sure that everyone was safe with their guns. Good idea, right? Certainly, however, there is something creepy about this breed of individual.

Robert was a Marine. I don't know much about the military, but I was under the impression that the Marines were the guys stupid enough to go in first. I also know they are damn proud of it.

JFH, who took AJK and I to the range was in the Army. When he mentioned to Robert that he was just out of the service, they immediately hit it off. It was like a huge brotherhood, and they were both members. While Robert was probably 55, and JFH was in his late twenties, it didn't make one bit of difference. Until Robert realized that JFH was not a marine. Then it became kind of a 'shit-talking' adventure. This culminated in Robert picking a shell of the ground, handing it to JFH and saying "do you know what this is from?" When JFH couldn't identify it, Robert threw his head back and laughed the laugh of a deranged man. "You see, this is what's wrong with you 'new-fangled military boys." he laughed "They don't teach you shit!"

That explanation was too long already so I'll move on.

The guns were big, and they put off a shock-wave like I've never felt. I was standing 4 feet to the left of JFH when he first shot the AR-15, and I was literally shaken by the blast.

Also, I'd like to mention that shooting handguns is HARD. I was shooting the 9mm at 17 yards, and I could barely hit the paper. In the movies, they just squeeze off shot after shot, hitting people in the head, legs, etc. like it was no big deal. I'll just say that the little black circle I was shooting at, survived with only minor flesh wounds. I'll get it next time.

An interesting story via JFH, I hope I don't butcher it.
- This range was "semi-public" in that it is owned by the State of Tennessee, and anyone can shoot there for a fee, however you can also sign up for an annual membership. This is a lot like "semi-public" golf courses. JFH had some friends who liked to shoot at a FULLY PUBLIC range out in South Carolina. This range was having problems because they had some "trouble-makers" who had been coming to the range, waiting for someone to shoot all their ammo, and then pulling guns on that person and taking their stuff. They call it "rolling" the person.

- Well JFH had some buddies who were Army Rangers that were shooting at this very range one day. These guys, the trouble-makers, waited until the Rangers finished shooting all their weapons, and were packing it in. The pulled their guns, and tried to roll the rangers (not knowing they were rangers of course). Well, being a good military man, the ranger had a gun on his ankle, which he promptly pulled out, and "flex-cuffed" the trouble-maker until the police could arrive.

- Just goes to show you, don't fuck with people on gun ranges, even if you think they are unarmed.

Stay Tuned...

Things to do in East TN when you're dead...

So between my 8:10 a.m. Contracts class and my 2:15 p.m. Torts class I have nothing. NOTHING!

We kid, we say, "what are we to do with 5+ hours to kill?"

Today we came up with the answer...R-O-A-D-T-R-I-P!!!!

Gatlinburg, TN...




We left Knoxville at 10:15, and arrived in Gatlinburg at 11:15. We figured we needed to be back at campus by 1:45 for our 2:15 class. So we needed to be back on the road by 12:30, just in case.

11:15 - Aaron and I are in awe. I've never seen anything quite like this before. "It looks like a little Las Vegas" says AJK. "Except its for children?" I reply. Its nothing but mini-golf, dinner theater, museums of the bizarre, and gift shops. Its like nothing I've ever seen...

11:30 - We enter the Mecca of breakfast foods. The PANCAKE PANTRY. Let me say, if you like IHOP, you're living in a fantasy world that doesn't even include good pancakes. When you open the menu, there are over 25 types of pancakes for your eating pleasure. But wait, there is something even better. The "Morning Star", a.k.a. SATAN! It is two mounds of hashbrowns, each topped with cheese, a sunny-side-up egg, and a mixture of sauteed onion, mushroom, ham, pimento, and green pepper. Served with a stack of 3 delicious pancakes. It was a surreal experience. It is not often that I leave food on a plate, but I couldn't even make a dent in this beast. It was delicious. While we are eating, Holly goes to the gift shop next door and purchased a disposable camera. Priceless pictures will be added to this blog soon.

12:10 - Depart the Pantry, and spend the last 20 minutes taking pictures in front of things and with people on the strip in Gatlinburg. Most importantly, a stop at the CANDY KITCHEN. Taffy, chocolate, rock candy, candy apples, oh my! I got my first taste of "Clove" flavored taffy, which interestingly taste just like you'd expect the smokeable clove to taste if you ate it. We got a candy apple for Abe, who has been talking about them for 6 months, and we got a box of taffy to bring back and pass around class as a trophy of our accomplishment. We snap a few more great pictures, and head back to Knoxville.

12:45 - So between Pigeon Forge and Gatlinburg, there is a 5-mile stretch of the National Forest that you have to travel through to get from one to the other. Running through this road is a beautiful river/creek (I'm not sure what size it becomes a river) and you're surrounded by the mountains. Truly breath-taking. We had 7 pictures left, so we decided to stop and take some pictures by the water. The pictures were good, but I was wearing some slick-soled shoes, and tried to venture down a pretty steep hill. The result is a bloody palm. But as Aaron said "its not a good trip without blood."

1:30 - Back at the law school, snapped the last few pictures in class to prove we made it back in time, and share the stories of our adventure with our classmates.

Now I've shared them with you. I hope you enjoyed it.

Our goal, to have lunch in: Kentucky, Virginia, North Carolina, Alabama, Georgia, and of course TN. We believe we can reach all of them in our 5.5 hours. I'll keep you posted!


Stay Tuned...

Landlord McDickhead

My landlord sucks...

He is your typical New England trash, trying to wrap himself in nice clothing, and appear to be classy...He fails at this attempt. I say this because as soon as he left last night Aaron said "Is that guy trash trying to dress well?" and I explained to him he hit the nail on the head.

He lived in the condo before I did, so, I got to see what HE had done to the place before I moved in. He had two of the fluffiest white couches I've ever seen. I'm talking big white cushions, with big white pillows, and it all had a floral under tones. Gay huh? ON TOP OF THAT, he put this really "Metro" paint and wall paper in the kitchen/dining room. Gay huh? Well, the son-of-a-bitch had the nerve to tell Aaron "Man, this place was so pimp when I lived here!"

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Apparently, because I have a woman in my life, and two cats that are my children, the place is no longer "pimp" but rather "pansy". Well Landlord McDickhead has no idea what he is talking about. The place has more MAN in it now than it ever did before. Sports Illustrated, football paintings, big ass TV's, and of course, ME. I alone make the place more "pimp" than it could ever be with his 4-foot-nothing, Jersey turnpike-living, cheap Italian shirt-wearing ass.

Kiss My Ass Landlord McDickhead...

Not only that, but he is STUPID as well...

First, he tried to tell me that 1.7 million people in the Knoxville area have been affected negatively by the switch to the new Medicaid because they can't get their xanax. First of all, he couldn't say xanax, secondly, only 600,000 people live here, and you'd have to assume a minimal percentage are actually taking xanax.

Then, he tried to tell me that he has a PhD in astrophysics, but is hanging around the office at TDS because, he likes the company. Just kidding, but he is an idiot.

What can I say, that's my landlord!

Stay Tuned...

The Acid Spitting Cougar strikes again...

There are days in law school where, you can hardly believe that the conversation you are having is real. When you stop and listen to those around you and wonder "Are these people really talking about an acid-spitting cougar melting a small child"? The answer is yes, they are. They can justify the conversation. Strict Liability for inherently dangerous activities. Perfectly reasonable now huh? Hardly...

We sit around a table, or a desk for hours every day, and we talk about the practical implications of what we are doing. We talk about the sex lives of our classmates. We talk about the tendancies of our professors. We gossip. We bullshit. We argue. Its priceless...

People ask me, "What kind of law do you want to practice?" It is a tough question to answer. I am at such an infancy in my legal experience, that its nearly impossible for me to say, "I'd like to represent doctors in Medical Malpractice cases." However, for the record, that is my standard answer right now. Sometimes I say, "In law school, you learn what kind of law you DON'T want to practice." For the record, that would be criminal law.

More appropriate a question at this stage might me "Why do you want to practice law." This would be a question that I could answer. Exams. Not the tests, but the 3 weeks of 14-18 hours around a table with people I have come to trust and respect. If you watch "A Few Good Men" it is not the trial, or the client interview, or the "interogation" of Jessep. It is the late night that the group spent in Kaffee's apartment. Eating chinesse food, pacing the floor with a baseball bat, artfully piecing together a coherent opening statement, and uncovering the tangle of facts that will provide your client with a victory. This is what makes being a lawyer so attractive.

So, if anyone wants to get together at the library and research whether I am liable for damages caused by my acid-spitting cougar. I'm game.

Stay Tuned...

Griz Fizzle

Tony Parker...

Tony FUCKING Parker...

12-for-13 from the field! His 1 miss resulted in an offensive rebound and put back...

That's weak...

This was our chance. The apparently to set ourselves up as a contender, not just an "also ran" in this years NBA Title hunt. But rather than make a statement, we lost a heart-breaker in San Antonio on Saturday (80-79 on a lay-up by Tim "I'm a sad Panda" Duncan with 7.7 seconds left) and then came back to Memphis to watch the wheels come off half-way thru the 3rd quarter. The result, an 0-2 weekend against the Champs, a broken home win-streak, and serious questions about the depth of our team.

Now rumors are swirling about Marc Blount being traded to the Grizzlies. Not a bad idea, takes some pressure of Pau, ads 13.3 ppg, and a legitimate center. The problem with this is that he still only grabs 4.5 rebounds per game, and hardly solves our lack of defensive rebounding...However, if the Celtics want to take Brian Cardinal's OBNOXIOUS contract from us for MBlount, I'm stoked.

We go back to work Wednesday against New Orleans, and need to get back to winning games.

If you're not going to beat the best, you sure better beat the rest!

Stay Tuned...