The Onion

The Onion's Aaron Kaplan produces a monologue of how not to pick up women at the bar. A pretty impressive butchering of all things pick-up-line.

Full credit to our beautiful Russian "angel" for the find.

Heaven Must Be Missing An Angel Or Something To That Effect

May 2, 2007 | Issue 43•18

Excuse me, beautiful, mind if I stand next to you and do some talking? I don't mean to intrude, but I couldn't help but notice that you were sitting all alone and enjoying yourself. There's just one problem: If you're here right now, then that means heaven must be missing an angel or something to that effect. Though I doubt anyone's noticed since there are so many angels up there anyway.

I'm trying to say that you're hot.

You look pretty tired, though. Maybe it's because you've been running through my mind for a while. I think about hot women a lot, so for the purposes of this argument let's just say you were one of the ones that I'd previously been thinking about, even though we just met. Are you considering having sex with me yet? Because if not, I could ask you if it hurt when you hit the ground after falling from heaven. I know I already said the thing about you being an angel, but maybe you didn't catch it the first time. Or if you did, maybe it will seem like I'm building off that. I'm trying to tell you that you're pretty like an angel I want to sleep with, is the point.

What else is there? Oh, are you from Tennessee? Because I think you're a seven. I might have gotten that wrong, but you get the jist of it. I'm using the name of a state to express how much I'd like to see you naked, but I don't really care where you're from.

Can we just go now? All right, well then why don't you tell me your sign. I don't really believe in astrology, but maybe you do and will go home with me because I come across as open-minded for mentioning it. I think I'm a Virgo. Pisces? One of those. I'm sure we'd be good together, because you're very attractive, as I've said before, which I think is really the most important thing anyway. Speaking of which, do you have a license? Because you're driving me somewhere that's complimentary to you.

Your eyes are blue like the sky or water, whichever you prefer. And your lips are really red like—I don't know—that girl's lips over there. Also, I'd look great cumming on your shirt. Or your shirt's becoming, I mean. I want to be cumming on your shirt or in your general vicinity is what I'm getting at. I didn't quite say it right, but the sentiment is there.

So do you have a boyfriend or what? Because I don't have all night to waste on talking to you if you're dating someone.

Do you have a mirror in your pocket so I can see myself in your pants? How about a quarter, so I can call my mother and tell her I found the girl of my dreams? I'm not actually going to call her, because she's been dead for two years and it's actually up to 35 cents now anyway and I'd probably just use my cell phone, but I'll take the quarter from you if it will get you in the sack.

We should go back to my place and do some math. We'll add a bed, subtract our clothes, and do other math stuff related to fucking.

Look, it's obvious where this is leading. I'm saying all the right things and you haven't walked away yet, so let's just cut to the chase: Do you come here often? If so, would you like to go back with me to my apartment and have sex with me? What if I told you I would rearrange the alphabet for some reason? I'm thinking of asking you what you'd like for breakfast tomorrow, in the hopes that you might sleep with me because I implied that it's inevitable.

Can you see where I'm going here?

I guess I should say I think I've seen you someplace before. And I don't mean earlier, when I was staring at you. I'm pretty sure we've met in a past life or in my dreams or something, so you should feel comfortable lowering your standards around me. Also, your shoes are nice, so I'm sensitive and observant. If you really need me to, I could buy you a drink to show you I have some money and then we could do it in the bathroom.

Wait, don't go. Just one more thing. I lost my phone number. Can I have yours so I can call you later about having sex?

That guy is going home alone.

But god bless his effort huh?

SHAD-ED!!!

Stay Tuned...

Not News

Wow...breaking news - this old man is NOT BRAD PITT.

This is also, coincidentally, NOT NEWS.

Damnit CNN, you have a duty to keep the public informed and you're letting us down.


Stay Tuned...

Confederation for the Articles of said Federation v. U.S., 857 U.S. 1 (2007).

(Washington, D.C.) - In a shocking turn of events, the Supreme Court (in an opinion written by Clarence Thomas - widely believed to be the first majority opinion of his tenure) has overruled McCullough v. Maryland.

Thomas is quoted as saying "Man! Fuck stare decisis! It's all about states rights. You better let Washington D.C. know, Missouri is on its way, and it is pissed off."

Interestingly, Justice Thomas also did not take part in the decision - thats just how he rolls.

In other news, the Federal Government has been reduced to 535 bored legislators, a "confused-looking" executive, and 9 throughly amused Supreme Court Justices.

President Bush spoke with reports this afternoon. He had these remarks to share with the country at this pivotal moment:

"MCCullogh? I'm white. Are you blind?"


Dick Cheney quickly stepped in:

"This is a difficult time for us here at the White House. We were throughly prepared to eliminate states rights all together, but our unquestioned, absolute omnipotence has been interupted by the activists over at the Supreme Court."

"Once States rights were out of the way, we were prepared to take away the rest of the individual rights. I guess it is finally time to bring the troops home."

When questioned about why the troops would be brought home now, Cheney added:

"Someone's got to take this country by force, and you know damned well Dubya and I aren't the fighting type."

More to come on this breaking story.

Stay Tuned...

Cited!

Not a big deal, but exciting just the same.

My article from last week, How I "Do" Law School Exams, was cited on Connie Crosby's Blawg Review.

The second review says:

K100 - Legal education

J. Louis May discusses his method of preparing for exams in his post How I "Do" Law School Exams: at The Legal Scoop. Preparation and organization are key!

Hooray!

Stay Tuned...

May v. Apple (follow-up)

Apple was great about responding. I heard from them within 2 hours.

There was no error.

They wait until a few purchases had been made before they send an invoice, thus reflecting a number of purchases on a single invoice.

The problem is just that PayPal does not provide an itemized receipt, so that was not clear.

Kudos to Apple, again showing that they are a dominant corporation with superb customer service.

Stay Tuned...

May v. Apple, 58 U.S. 845 (2011).

Today I fired the first shots in what may be my first "plaintiff experience".

I sent the following letter to PayPal and iTunes (Apple):

Dear Apple and PayPal:

There was not category for my question that said "I'm being screwed by PayPal and iTunes every time I buy music", so I just picked one. I apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused.

Every-time I make a purchase, Paypal double charges me!

I don't understand.

I just purchased Weeds Season 2 for $23.95 and was charged $33.95.

Every $.99 song I purchase has cost me $1.99

I'd request at this time a refund of all double charges incurred since my account became active. I would also request a prompt reply and explanation for this occurrence.

A copy of this email has been saved for my records, should further action become necessary.


I will be awaiting your response.

Sincerely,
Jonathan May
jmay11@gmail.com

I won't stand for this kind of abuse!

Okay, thats a touch dramatic...

But still, I wanted to make sure they understand that I will do whatever is necessary to get a refund for the more than $47 they owe me.

Its in their best interest to settle out of court though - the last thing they want is a chance for me to get up and cry in front of a jury.

Hello Punitives!

Stay Tuned...

How I "Do" Law School Exams:

This is a post I wrote for "The Legal Scoop" - where I have been a contributor all semester. It's not really that interesting, but I thought I'd post it here anyways. Enjoy

So, in the spirit of Law School Exams, I thought I'd share my approach to exam preparation.

Remember, everyone works differently, so don't think that my method will necessarily work for you, but here it is.

The first thing I do is make my semesterly STAPLES run (this is not an endorsement of STAPLES, by the way). My key to exams is being organized. I buy a 1.5 inch binder (with the clear fronts so I can put the syllabus or something in front) for each course, as well as one for miscellaneous materials. I also buy 2 packages of .05 Pilot G2 (the pack that has 4 colors - you have NO idea how helpful a red pen is). I also buy dividers. Somewhere between 5 and 10 per class, depending on how much I think I need to organize. I also buy a large pack of legal pads. A few packs of Tabs (the larger ones are ideal) and I'm set.

After creating the "skeleton" of each notebook (aka putting the dividers in each notebook, and the blank legal pad in the back) I separate all the papers I've accumulated over the semester into courses. I also stop by the law school to take advantage of that print quota I never touch and I print a .pdf of all my class notes from each class. I gather all the outlines I've collected (some my own, others from friends and former students) I hole punch everything and I begin to assemble the "exam notebooks".

Now these notebooks are the key to preparing for exams for me. Its especially helpful if you can use notes on the exam, as you have gathered everything together.

The next thing I do is take the syllabus from each class and I make a list on the legal pads of everything I need to read.

Here is where my method might seem extreme, or not something you're interested in.

I stop reading for daily classes about 3 weeks before exams start. I figure the material we cover at the end - I'll get to it at the end. I don't have time to read for class and study. I'll get to this material, just not for another few weeks.

How do I prepare? I re-read the entire syllabus. Yeah, I know. Its a lot of reading. As I do this, I tab the book to let me know where each section begins, where each case is, and where supplemental materials are in the back (i.e. U.S. Constitution, The Civil Rights Act of 1964, whatever).

I use the legal pad in the back of the textbook to note things as I read. For example:

1. What page the case begin on...
2. What year the case was decided...
3. If it is still controlling...
4. Does this represent a minority rule? (especially in Property)
5. What cases need to be considered in conjunction with this case.

Of course there are other things you will want to add too. Sometimes a brief recitation of the facts will help you remember what the case was about. Some professors want you to talk about "which justice wrote the opinion" so maybe you want to include that.

I try to use my reading of the case as a platform to "create my own document". I don't want to call it an "outline" per se because it isn't really an outline. Its more of an expanded syllabus that includes substance and tells me where to go for more information.

Next, I work out my calendar.

I look at how many days I have between now and my first exam, how many I have between each exam, and what order the exams are in. I then review my materials in reverse order. Let me illustrate:

Lets say the order of my exams is thus:

Week 1:
Mon - Torts
Thurs - Civ Pro

Week 2:
Mon - Contracts
Thurs - Crim

Lets additionally say I have 3.5 weeks (25 days) before my torts exam. I would study like so:

Day 1-5:Torts
Day 6-10: Crim
Day 11-15: Contracts
Day 16-20: Civ Pro
Day 21-25: Torts

That way I've spent 5 days on each subject and also gotten a running start for my Torts Exam. Then, after each exam I have 3 days to prepare for the next test.

After torts, I can spend 3 days working on Civ Pro before that exam.
After Civ Pro, I can spend 4 days working on Contracts before that exam.
After Contracts, I can spend 3 days working on Crim before that exam.
After Crim, I go out and party really hard.

Now - how do I use those days? I tend to have a very weird schedule. I work from 5pm until 8am every day. That's right. I work overnight. I sleep during the day. Less distractions for me = more productive hours. At 4am, there is only so much you can do other than study. It seems crazy, but it works.

Additionally, my exams tend to be in the morning, so the night before the exam, I'll wake up at 5pm, and review until the 8am exam. I find I test better "at the end of the day" than when I first wake up, therefore having my body feel like 8am is actually the afternoon/evening is better for me.

It won't work for everyone.

I'll tell you this much - there is no more peaceful, mellow place than the law school at 4am.

There you have it. How to organize, how to read, how to schedule your way to exam success. I hope you've found this helpful, and if not - sorry, I tried.

Stay Tuned...