New Chapter, Better Book.

Those of you who aren't really fascinated with the inner-workings of my personal and social life shouldn't read this note. It is not particularly funny (I mean, in a satirical way it is), and its pretty personal. Its not about sports, or politics, or something that happened at the bar.

This really isn't meant to be rude, or nasty. Its unfortunate that my blog is now connected to facebook, because my viewership has increased since that happened. Maybe a lot of you will read this. Maybe not. Either way, you know what this is, and what this isn't. This is a stress relief tool, a way to vent. Rather than picking on a friend or two and subjecting them to my delusional thought process, I am just going to write. I find it helps me feel better.

There.

You've been warned.

If you read on, its because you want to hear what I have to say.

Because you wanted to know how I feel.

I am finished.

I am giving up.

I am letting go.

I am hurt.

I am Jonathan's angry gall bladder.

Pain.

But today is a new beginning. A new book. A better book.

The last book was flawed.

I take responsibility for my share, I was no angel.

But in the end, I hurt.

It was cute to say things like:

"We want to be together, just not right now."

"We both want to spend our lives together, but we need some time."

"We want to be married, but in order to get from point A to point B we have to take this time apart."

They are cute ideas.

They are delusional.

Delusional is defined as: "an idiosyncratic belief or impression that is firmly maintained despite being contradicted by what is generally accepted as reality or rational argument. Generally associated with mental disorders."

I am in such a weird place.

Being single is new to me, and I think I'm handling it well. That is relative. I haven't ever done it before. I went from two long relationships in high school into a 5 year relationship in college. This is all new to me. "Well" is relative.

I do things that help me feel better. I go out with my friends. I am surrounded by people who care about my well being.

I'm adding to that group too. I've been fortunate to meet quite a few new people this year that I enjoy spending time with.

These things are wonderful. They make me stronger, and happy.

The new John Mayer CD is pretty good. There is one song in particular called "Heart of Life" and the chorus goes like this:

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No it won't all go the way it should
But i know the heart of life is good

You know it's nothing new
Bad news never had good timing
But then the circle of your friends
Will defend the silver lining

I am fortunate to have outstanding friends who have defended that silver lining with me for way too long.

God, just realizing how long this has been going on makes me more depressed!

I am strong, capable, driven, & independent.

I am not whinny, miserable, weak, & needy.

I have been those things for a while, and its time to put that behind me.

There is another song, by Stroke 9. The song is called "Letters".

Don't wake me as you leave
Don't make me
Believe I have a chance in hell
don't tell me what I know too well
Don't wake me

Sooner or later you will long
when you wake you will see
Sooner or later all the songs
that make you shake will be by me
Sooner or later all the throngs of feelings
we used to appreciate
Will come rushing back

The long and short of it is this, I'm done with the bullshit.

I am going to take a shower and wash the old away.

I am going to stand in the mirror and have a conversation with myself that I've needed to have for a long time.

I am going to start over. Start new. Start.

Let this be a public thank you, and a public apology to those of you who have stood by me and defended the silver lining.

Aaron, Holly, Amy, Aslynn, Rudner, Mom, Dad, Abby, Jantzen.

Thank you.

I'm sorry.

There are others of course, and I am sorry if I didn't list your name.

I am starting a new chapter now. I want you to all be there, celebrate with me.

And I assure you, the time will come again, when the lining needs to be defended.

And you can always count on me to defend your silver lining too.


Stay Tuned...